If I could not fail

If someone asked me what I would do if I knew I could not fail, I would say write and publish a book.

But if asked on a deeper level, I would say I would write about myself.

I would write about my childhood, when I felt like I had to compromise so my mom would call me the perfect daughter, like she did my cousin. I would write about how it worked but how I no longer have my voice to ask for things I need because I don't want to cause too much trouble.

I would write about the man who sold provisions in our compound. How he won't give me the tissue I came to buy until I touched him. How he would tell me to wear a skirt and sit on his lap. How he was the first person I ever hated no matter how many sweets he offered me.

I would write about the first heartbreak I ever had- when I found out how old Jace Norman was.

It was the first time I ever cried for a guy. Then I would write about the first guy who made my heart run a marathon. This time, he knew me. Scariest thing ever 10 out of 10 try at your own risk.

I would also write about the time I felt lost. Last year in secondary school and I was unsure of the university to go to. Scared I was making the wrong choices.

I would write about the first time my reflection scared me. When I started missing a meal in hopes that it would make a difference. When missing a meal felt like an achievement, how tea made me throw up every morning. How I avoided mirrors, cameras or anything that would show me what | look like.

When I'm done, I would end with an em dash. A long breathe for the years yet to unfold.

I would write this because if I won't fail, then girls would know that their mom is their first home girl and they don't have to compromise to get their love.

They would know that older men are not supposed to make 4 year old girs touch them. In fact, because I can't fail, men like that would no longer exist. They would rot in jail, their stories would be used as horror stories to make little kids do their chores.

Because I can't fail, teenagers would know it's okay to feel lost sometimes and it's not the end of the world.

And most importantly, girls would realize that they are beautiful and how missing meals isn't healthy. Girls would feel better about themselves. I would feel better about myself.